Saturday, June 20, 2009

like a time bomb

Well, this whole blogging thing didn't take off as I imagined it would.

I have faced many speed bumps in my journey with Christ thus far. For one, I felt rushed like I needed to catch up with other Christians, join a church, change myself. I felt my every decision was on a ticking time bomb just waiting for me to fail *Him*. I put myself under so much pressure, that there were quite a few days, I crumbled to my knees crying "what do you want from me?"

Secondly, I became depressed as I didn't discover an instant connection with other Christians, both in real life and online. I feel different from the mass majority. I cannot quite explain how so though...

Lastly, I put my bible down for over a month. The Old Testament was getting to me. I couldn't separate the message from the sexism and wars and seemingly needless deaths. It all wore me down- my head spun around the OT vs. the New Testament, Jews vs Christians. My mind was a whirlpool of conflicting emotion. I set the Holy Bible down.. put it aside. I had to...

Since then, I have picked it up again. I'm up to Joshua now. It's starting to make more sense to me, and I feel less frustrated. I'm still struggling with daily prayer though I feel Christ is always on my mind and that my inner thoughts and consciousness are always talking to Him, it's a neverending conversation we have going.

A friend pointed out that God made me exactly who I am. With all my quirks... I was beginning to question my personality- my sarcastic wit... my feminine style. My friend pointed out that everyone is different and God likes it like that...there is no uniform cookie cutter mold for His children to fit into. My traits are my traits and that's fine with God... he doesn't want me to change... just use good judgment in my decision making and do it always in His Will. His will first and always... and life will be Good because He is Good.

That's all for now fellow bloggers.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Asking Jesus for forgiveness.

I'm feeling very upset and volatile towards a good friend of mine today, and I'm having problems connecting with Jesus in my mind. I am praying that He gives me the strength I need to get through this rough afternoon. I am praying that I can live as Christ wants me to, in His light. Please Dear Lord grant me this serenity.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Back from my trip

I went on a week long vacation last week. It was bittersweet in many ways, but this blog is about my relationship with God, not others. :)

On the plane, I read my bible (reading Leviticus now) and Lee Stroble's A CASE FOR FAITH.. and this book entitled "23 Mins in Hell". 23 mins only took me 2 hours to read, and it was okay, but I didn't really believe in it... In case you haven't heard about it, it's one Christian's real life tale about an unusual journey to Hell that lasted 23 mins. I just don't think God goes out handing Hell experiences to whoever. I think the bible was written... and finished, for a good reason. I don't think anything can be "added" to it... and this seemed like some sort of "addendum".

If it saves people, who am I to judge though? The author goes on a lot about meeting Jesus... I also found that hard to believe.

On my trip back home, I skipped around in Psalms and I read all of Revelations. Why Revelations? I don't know. There was VERY bad turbulence on my plane ride, and I felt like Revelations was so visually descriptive, that it gave me something to focus my mind on outside of the bumpy and un-nerving ride. I tried to wrap my head around "Judgment" Day, as a baby christian, how I am now, it seems so inconceivable.

That's all for now.

God Bless.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A busy week... drifting from God.

I am planning for a week long vacation this week, and life has felt hectic.

I realized last night that in all my planning, I put God on the back burner. I felt so upset when I realized that I hadn't prayed or talked to Him in a few days. *sigh* I felt things were off kilter in my life.. many things just weren't flowing properly, and I couldn't figure out why... it's because I drifted from The Father in my own selfish planning.

Also, I'm not comfortable with praying yet.. so I do this sort of "half wanting to..." pray thing... where I'm thinking about praying... but I don't actually do it. It's weird, I know. Last night, I had a good Pray time with Him. There are always things I want to ask for: like a safe trip, or success in my endeavors... etc... But last night, all I could do was apologize and praise Him. I told Him everything I hope to accomplish in my life, and I was surprised what happened when I let my heart do all the talking.

I told Him my deepest desires of following Christ... of learning all I can from the bible... and trying to help others do the same. I poured my wretched soul out to Him about all my sins- this week... and I talked to Him about how I want to improve for Him and Him alone. I asked Him to help me with my weaknesses, so I may become a stronger follower of Christ's teachings.

This morning, I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had in a week. Everything feels good again. I just have to remind myself to keep praying, keep reading my bible.. and keep building on my relationship with Him even when I'm going on vacation.

God Bless.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Finally seeing prayers answered.

I've only been praying for a month now.. and most of the time I feel awkward and weird doing it. Today has been wonderful as several of my prayers have been answered. I can't believe praying works! This is crazy!!! I know that God can't answer all prayers, but I'm absolutely shocked that He listened to mine at all. I'm blown away! Granted these were little things... mainly prayers I've said for/about other people, but still... who would have thought He'd listen to little old me??!? I'm flabbergasted.

Monday, February 23, 2009

It's been a hard couple days at work.

I feel exhausted. I work 2 jobs... a total of 63 hours a week, but I'm a manager at one job, and my hours carry over into other "managerial" activities on my off time. BUH! So really most weeks, I'm away from home for 110 + hours.

I just can't wait to get in my jammies, wash my face, and climb into my nice warm bed tonight. I only sleep at home 3 nights a week (being that one of my jobs is an overnight job). I always appreciate being back in my own bed. What I look forward to most is snuggling up and digging into my bible. My reading is going slower than I would like... with the 2 jobs I barely have time for myself; however, when I do, I look forward to my good heart to heart chats and reads... see when I'm reading the bible, I feel my heart open up, and it's so much easier to talk to God and to think about Him. I find myself reading a few pages and then stopping to think about what I've just read, and if there are parts I stumble on I ask God for some help understanding them. Sometimes I just talk to him about what I just read. It sounds crazy, but it feels good. I love falling asleep with me, the bible and God chit chatting and reading away.

I always wake up feeling happy and refreshed in the morning. When I wake up (on days off, which is currently only Wed)... I get a cup of hot cocoa... and my morning Eggos with PB and J... and then, I finish up some more bible time. It's such a great way to start the day. It sets everything off on the right foot and it makes me more aware of my great responsibility and knowledge knowing Christ is truth and life. It makes me have a whole new outlook on the day.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

the color test.

ColorQuiz.comI took the free personality test!

"Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.